Dodging Speculums
____by Amy Couts

When you can't look in the mirror
Something's wrong,
because you're ashamed of what you'll see
might see
or won't see.
I always hated public mirrors,
Focusing on my shoes in restrooms,
I know so many floor tile patterns
and cheap cracking linoleum.
I dropped out of ballet,
the floor to ceiling wall to wall
endless images of me with others
attacked me like a bluejay flying
into a freshly Windexed window.

But I could stare into my sparkling blue eyes
and have them stare at me for hours,
if alone.
My bedroom mirror was my best friend.

No more.
That icy blue now taunts me,
reminding me of who I once was,
chastising me for who I've become.

Terrified by both public and private mirrors,
afraid of them afraid of myself afraid of
afraid of
nowhere to look no mirror for me nowhere
to find myself.