Spiraling Down to Cimb Back Up
____by Alicia Martinez

Just a tiny seed underneath the soil,
Slowly pushing up for air.
So vulnerable and delicate,
Establishing her roots with Earth.
Pruning, preparing, for beauty,
Assuring no harm will come.
Petals are bright, a beautiful bloom,
A healthy green color

She dances and sings,
How cute.
So friendly and admirable,
How nice.
Smiling constantly as the
Days pass.
So many friends each day,
No longer
Alone at home with Mom.
Pleasant times.
Private versus public
God rules -
government rules
Discipline -
Chaos
People who care -
Violent bigots

True for five years,
Heaven on earth.
Sixth year in fifth,
The golden gate shuts in her face.
"Reality" crumbles to truth.
Illusions, ALL ILLUSIONS!
Stupid ILLUSIONS, oh, god.

First a tease, then a taunt
No burden, I can handle it.
Then, like a sore, it grows.
It just won't … (IcanhandleitIcanhandleitIcan . . .)
…stop
the others see, but turn away
(The blind can see more than you!)
The scales tip against me
Justice, TAKE OFF THE DAMN 'FOLD!!!
No use, she can't see, won't hear,
Neither can He.
Dwindling into non-existence
Three years in HELL on "holy ground"
Spiraling down all levels
Falling down, down, down
"Lord, HELP me!"
I forget, He's not really there,
for there is no There
But the other one is ...
Take my soul then into your fiery kingdom,
i don't care
i will let my feet become roots,
break off a limb to hear me weep,
should you descend
three faces stare as one
the only one who is there

walking ice figurines
beautifully structured together
but made of ice with empty eyes
i now fear to hold them.
approach them. so cold.
transparent.
they will wear the golden robes
dragging lead at their feet
(Pleaseletmeendurepleaseletmeendurepleaselet … )
is this an icepick which i see before me,
the handle toward my hand?
slash and crush the figurines, or
let my own warmth flow and
leave an empty shell
To be, or not to be?
a conflict within my mind,
for to be is not to be known
and to not be is to be known
(yesgoonyesgoonyesgo . . .)
worthless weakling that i am
"the pain may be unbearable"

the devil and her advocate approach
"Hey, we met a girl at the fair who
looks a lot like you." To other, "Right?"
Lie. LIE! Lie?
"No, not really," says the other
"She did have long hair, but was
really fat and extremely ugly."
she stares directly at me
heart grows cold and shatters
(no place to tie the end of this,
besides, it will probably break under the strain
then let me hang and swing)
another demon approaches
"She doesn't want to be your friend any more,
so why bother trying to hang out with her'?"
(between the lines, "She is now one of us."
(will a bullet be quick enough,
or will i miss, stay alive,
and be further ostracized by the
saintly community)
ice holds more warmth
my new god at my left
urges me to follow his ways
(comejoinmecomejoinmecome . . .)
Let the little children come onto me
for theirs is the kingdom of hell
(watch them go in through Hades' gate,
Hades' gate, Hades' gate
i'll make them go in through Hades' gate
so early in their lives)
heeheehee …
in a glass sphere,
in a shell
hearing the echoes surround me
while sweet ignorant mother says "Ignore them"
(sticks and stones may break your bones
- i'll heal - but words will break your soul)

...winter draws near and
the little flower withers


the petals fall as
she turns brown
so unhealthy, not much
chance of survival
poor withered flower
standing alone ...

rain, rain, rain
soon dry
then, as in a desert,
flash flood when darkness blankets the earth
creating a cover for the children of sorrow

they laugh and point
(one little, two little, three little pills . . .)
harsh remarks to further
( . . . four little, five little, six little pills . . .)
emphasize the worthlessness
(. . . seven little, eight little, nine little pills . . .)
since He no longer listens to me
( . . .ten little aspirin pills)
then god of evil tell me what to do
take my life and theirs too!
(WEAK PATHETIC FOOL - will i be in pain? -
JUST DO AS I SAY AND TAKE THEM!
- i can't)

…days pass and the little flower
is trampled on by feet
just another weed among many
a hand reaches down and
yanks her out of the ground …
our Satan
who art in hell
hallowed be thy name as kingdom reigns
heeheehee
soon the three is done,
walking down the aisle twice in front of christ
to receive a paper confirming that i
believe in what i lost faith in
then to receive another paper as a farewell to holy ground

... a seed has fallen
from the flower to the ground ...

private versus Public
money rules -
People rule
cold things -
Warm humans
cruel bigots -
Diversity is grand

It's a masquerade for the next four years,
let no one see my real face.
A silly mask all smiles,
more pleasant and no longer alone.
However, one ghost still haunts,
not moaning and taunting,
but being sociable?!
(could she not know the harm she caused
when it all began?)
Sincerity or hypocrisy?
(Letthepastgoletthepastgoletthe . . .)
Ignore
Little by little, the mask washes away,
to reveal a similar face underneath
true smiles.
(He returns, the other leaves.
The Shepherd seeks the lamb He lost.
The prodigal daughter.
Could this be a dream?)
The shell slowly cracks open,
and the sphere breaks, allowing a gulp of air.

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come
... for the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory are yours, now and forever, Amen.

Then the ghost asks an innocent question
"Have you talked to [her] lately?"
"her," the best (back stabbing) friend
"No." And I will never say a word,
unless circumstance obligates.
Brief conversation of the past.

The other ghosts return
(she didn't know it would happen)
the mask is on.
Pressures, pressures, pressures from all sides add to the burden.
It rains.
(But God stays)

Follower of Jehovah, follower of Yaweh,
the two who stood at my side
Assure that this is not a dream. (It's not.)
Rocks on a beach keep the waves from
eroding the sand, the life of the shore.
Soldiers who guard the meek and weary.
A rainbow forms across the sky,
as the rainclouds disappear.
(Letthepastgolet-the past go, let the past . . GO!)
- Silence -

... Merry sounds of birds fill the air,
sweetening the fresh life of mother.
On the humble ground, a small patch of soil,
a small green leaf sprouts.